My sister and I have never really gotten along. We grew up in a toxic environment and although the physical abuse in the home stopped when I was 16 and she 11, the emotional abuse remained.
I left the home as soon as I graduated and shortly after got married and had my first child. We lived 800 miles from my family and it was probably the best thing. I had 2 more children within 5 years.
A few years later my husband was sent overseas and we ended up divorcing. We married too young and we didn’t always get along. I look back now and see all the signs that we should never have gotten married.
I remarried a few years later to the biggest mistake of my life, however, I had a wonderful child with him, so not all bad.
As you remember, I said the biggest mistake of my life? well, I left him 3 years later. He was emotionally (sometimes physically) abusive. He was not nice to my oldest child (didn’t like her) and I was afraid of being alone ( I think) and afraid of failing again….so I stayed for that 3 years and THAT was the biggest mistake of my life. Because my oldest doesn’t want to be around me. I don’t think that she will ever forgive me no matter how many times that I say I am sorry.
After leaving him, I was a single mom for a while. I did what I could to survive on my own with 4 children. I worked a full time job and a part time bartending job. I thought that I was doing good. Looking back….I wish that I would have worked 1 job, found a cheaper place to live, a reliable cheaper car and just spend quality time with my kids showing them the love that I truly have for them.
I met the love of my life a couple of years later (we are still married ~ 9 years in May) He is wonderful to my kids and to me. He has stood by me every step I take. He has stood me as I was diagnosed with a disease that has changed my life totally. I had to leave my full time (well paid) job. We struggle financially and neither of us are good at handling money.
My sister has told me before she had kids that I was a bad mother. A few years after that she wrote me a 6 page letter telling me how not only a horrible mother but horrible person. According to my mom, I should just forget about the past….to let the letter go. That my sister didn’t mean it….she was only mad. I just feel that if she was mad, she could write the letter to get her feelings out but she should have tore it up when she was done and not given it to me.
The last several years, since I had to leave my job, I have been fighting with depression. I had wanted to commit suicide but then remember my husband, children and granddaughter and I can’t do it. I felt as though I was a terrible everything.
I am always worried about what others think and I need/want to stop. To be happy, to live this short life happily.
My sister and I had another fight recently. We had this fight because I was sticking up for my children. See, I have a daughter that is gay and a son that is trans-gender. My sister has told them on several occasions that it isn’t her place to judge that the will be judged at the end. She “says” that she is fine with them but actions speak louder than words.
So, as she was fighting with my kids one day, she and I ended up arguing and my daughter and I both told her to leave (our house). We talked about it later and both did that to keep things from escalating. As she was leaving my house she turned to me, pointing and told me that “this is the reason your daughter won’t come around here”!! (she also included my first ex in that statement but that didn’t make since because he had just visited a few days before).
Looking back…..I was not a great mother…..I was overwhelmed, I was sometimes self absorbed and sometimes I worried so much about giving them everything that I didn’t give them what they truly needed….love.
I am owning up to the fact that I was a bad mother…..but for the last 6 years, I have been trying to make it up. But as I said before, I worry too much about what people think, I worry about every single thing…..