New Years Eve

I can remember when this day was something I looked forward to.  A day where I would gather up my friends, we would get all “dolled” up and head to the nightclub to party the New Year in, with a drink in hand.  

Once I got a job as a bartender, I would work on NYE and it was great!  Money was good and although I worked hard, it didn’t really feel like work on those nights.  It was packed and we were constantly serving drinks.  I would go home and crash though LOL

Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with a Chronic Illness and I am on medications daily.  Partying stopped for me….pretty much all year long.  Pretty much everything fun stopped for me, bartending, working out, riding amusement park rides.  

This last year has been pretty rough for me and I feel the need to have a couple of drinks tonight.  At home with the family.  I am thinking we will play some games while watching the NYE shows, eat yum goodies and enjoy it the best we can.  I hope to stay awake enough to watch the ball fall.  

Tomorrow morning we are having a breakfast casserole with pork sausage…….need some kind of luck for 2014.  

 

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one more day

I am fighting major depression, suicidal thoughts keep coming to my mind.  I feel as though I am a huge burden to everyone, feel as though everyone would truly be better off without me.  I need to give it one more day…..

I have decided to make a bucket list and my goal will be to complete these things before I take any actions….I need to give myself a chance.  

Making a bucket list while feeling like this is very hard ….I have no interest what so ever

 

bad mother

My sister and I have never really gotten along.  We grew up in a toxic environment and although the physical abuse in the home stopped when I was 16 and she 11, the emotional abuse remained.

I left the home as soon as I graduated and shortly after got married and had my first child.  We lived 800 miles from my family and it was probably the best thing.  I had 2 more children within 5 years.

A few years later my husband was sent overseas and we ended up divorcing.  We married too young and we didn’t always get along.  I look back now and see all the signs that we should never have gotten married. 

I remarried a few years later to the biggest mistake of my life, however, I had a wonderful child with him, so not all bad.

As you remember, I said the biggest mistake of my life?  well, I left him 3 years later.  He was emotionally (sometimes physically) abusive.  He was not nice to my oldest child (didn’t like her) and I was afraid of being alone ( I think) and afraid of failing again….so I stayed for that 3 years and THAT was the biggest mistake of my life.  Because my oldest doesn’t want to be around me.  I don’t think that she will ever forgive me no matter how many times that I say I am sorry. 

After leaving him, I was a single mom for a while.  I did what I could to survive on my own with 4 children.  I worked a full time job and a part time bartending job.  I thought that I was doing good.  Looking back….I wish that I would have worked 1 job, found a cheaper place to live, a reliable cheaper car and just spend quality time with my kids showing them the love that I truly have for them.

I met the love of my life a couple of years later (we are still married ~ 9 years in May)  He is wonderful to my kids and to me.  He has stood by me every step I take.  He has stood me as I was diagnosed with a disease that has changed my life totally.  I had to leave my full time (well paid) job. We struggle financially and neither of us are good at handling money. 

My sister has told me before she had kids that I was a bad mother.  A few years after that she wrote me a 6 page letter telling me how not only a horrible mother but horrible person.  According to my mom, I should just forget about the past….to let the letter go.  That my sister didn’t mean it….she was only mad.  I just feel that if she was mad, she could write the letter to get her feelings out but she should have tore it up when she was done and not given it to me. 

The last several years, since I had to leave my job, I have been fighting with depression.  I had wanted to commit suicide but then remember my husband, children and granddaughter and I can’t do it.  I felt as though I was a terrible everything. 

I am always worried about what others think and I need/want to stop.  To be happy, to live this short life happily.

My sister and I had another fight recently.  We had this fight because I was sticking up for my children.  See, I have a daughter that is gay and a son that is trans-gender.  My sister has told them on several occasions that it isn’t her place to judge that the will be judged at the end.  She “says” that she is fine with them but actions speak louder than words. 

So, as she was fighting with my kids one day, she and I ended up arguing and my daughter and I both told her to leave (our house).  We talked about it later and both did that to keep things from escalating.  As she was leaving my house she turned to me, pointing and told me that “this is the reason your daughter won’t come around here”!!  (she also included my first ex in that statement but that didn’t make since because he had just visited a few days before).

Looking back…..I was not a great mother…..I was overwhelmed, I was sometimes self absorbed and sometimes I worried so much about giving them everything that I didn’t give them what they truly needed….love. 

I am owning up to the fact that I was a bad mother…..but for the last 6 years, I have been trying to make it up.  But as I said before, I worry too much about what people think, I worry about every single thing…..

I struggleImage

struggle

I am struggling with depression.  I am constantly trying to get my fathers attention.  Everything that I do, I try to get him to notice.  My mom says for me to quit living in the past….but the past has caused me to constantly want my dad’s attention.

I was about 10 years old when I got hit by a car and the first person I asked for was my dad….kept asking for him in the ambulance, at the hospital and when my mother arrived at the hospital.  I was lucky and only ended up with a concussion.  My dad was at the bar.  My mom called him and he wouldn’t come to the hospital.  He finally came home when mom was giving me a bath and yelled at me because I should have been watching so that I wouldn’t get hit by a car.  (I was on a bike)

I grew up in an abusive home, watching my mother be hit and emotionally abused really took a toll on me.  I was emotionally abused as well and physically hurt me once when he threw me on top of my bunk bed and I hit my head on a nail.  There was one time that I was sleeping in the same bed as he was and he took my hand and put it on……I told my mom and she makes the excuse that he thought I was her….(who was in a different state)

I need to know how to move on.  I am in my 40’s, have 4 adult children and 1 grandchild.  My oldest daughter doesn’t come around.  I am constantly worrying about people liking me.  I struggle.  I am happily married to a wonderful hard working man who loves me and my children.  This is my third marriage. 

I have 1 sister….we get along every other year it seems.  We aren’t talking right now. 

I try to just think of the positives in my life but it never works. 

I am struggling.

 

Family is not a…

Quote

Family is not an important thing. It’s everything.

Michael J. Fox

With Thanksgiving fast approaching, I can’t help but think what my favorite thing about the holiday is.  My favorite thing is spending time with family.  Sitting around a beautifully decorated table with food that warms the soul, with the people who mean the most to you.  I am most thankful for those times.  I am also thankful for the ability to purchase the food and serve my family.  I think about the less fortunate and wish that I could do something to help them.  I wish that I had a huge house and the ability to have them all over and feed them.  

I have been having a “pull” towards helping out….helping out the less fortunate.  I put in a call to the local homeless shelters to help in some way.  Just waiting on a call back.

I hope that everyone reading this post will have a Happy Thanksgiving.  Cherish the moments that you have with your family/loved ones.  ♥